Lesson Four

"Ah, children. They make the highs higher and the desperate need for a nap or a stiff drink more frequent.” Mama-Nietzscheism #2

After yet another delightful day of just me and the spawn there's nothing better than a big'ole goblet of red wine and anything “R” rated to watch after I tuck her in for the night. I'll watch anything adult-orientated except porn until I know she's deep asleep. This is not because I find porn bad , but rather the soundtracks are always too loud, and headphones don't allow you to hear the pitter-patter of curious little monkey feet.

I'm not ready for that “What's porn, Mama?” conversation yet.

However we may have to have some simplified chat about what makes little boys different that little girls soon. All brought on by that slutty plastic wench that just moved in. You know who. Barbie.

Now I was a Barbie girl in the late 70's, when Barbie had that deep fake and bake tan, bigger boobs, and had a molded suggestion of camel toe and a butt crack, and long peroxide queen hair down to said crack. I loved it until I realized how plastic she was and started to loath my own body like every other well-adjusted American girl.

Now I'm not saying Barbie caused the years of screwed up body image and bouts of unhealthy eating habits, I can blame that on my mom. It's easier and convient. However, Barbie is not a confidence builder, I don't care if she does come with a doctor's coat now, with matching white spike heels.

The Spawn was on the potty, clutching her birthday Barbie (Thanks Grandma!) and looking so intently under the doll's dress she almost fell off. Then when she came back to the land of the living she spread her little legs and asked a lot of questions no one had any ready answers for.

What do you say? It's just a doll? Fortunately the particular Barbie clone had the impression of underwear molded into it, so we were safe then, but not for long.

The truth is Barbie is real, and like a cheap hooker, she's been everywhere. Too many grown women are visible trying to live the Barbie life, all accessorized complete with plastic people to have plastic relationships with.

This rant is far from original, I am aware of this. But my approach as to how I'm going to deal with BarbiePlalooza may have to be. You can't ban her, that just makes her more enticing. You can try to substitute her with something a little more human looking, like some Barbie alternatives I've seen and more than likely invest in at twice to three times the cost off some well meaning website.

Or you can make her play time more exciting by playing with the kid and talking to her while you both play. Some well placed and honest questions and answers about her body and my own may shore her up against whatever crazy ideas that she gets from Barbie about what a grown woman really looks like.